Balloons and Bananas
by sky.davis
Summary: At Starfire's insistance the Titan's go to school for a day. Luck just isn't their lady when they arrive at a science class teaching the horrors of...Balloons and Bananas


Okay, I came up with this idea a while back before realizing there was an episode, (Mad Mod) where the Titans go to school. So, just kinda pretend that the episode hadn't happened yet. :o) Anyway, this is just a fun story about that class everyone had to take in science. Hope you like. :o)

Erm... I don't own it so...yeah... don't sue me :o)

**Balloons and Bananas**

"I'm gonna wi-in! I'm gonna wi-in! Hey! No way!"

"Way, and uh, you're gonna loo-ose!"

"Not for long! Ha! Back in the lead, who's back in the lead, uh that's right m—"

"Me! Ha sucker! Cyborg wins!!"

"Whatever Cy, I call rematch!"

"You're on!"

"And the immature cycle of stupidity continues..."

"Wow, Robin, you are most knowledgeable! How does one come to know the fascinating origins of mustard?"

"Well, school mostly."

And thus it began...

"A school?" Starfire tried the foreign word on her tongue. The screeching of tires and a major explosion sounded from the T.V. screen. Beastboy and Cyborg stared at her.

"Dude, Star, don't say the 'S' word around me!" Beastboy exclaimed hands on his pointed ears. Starfire didn't seem to hear him and continued.

"I should like to visit this...school, you call it?" Starfire stated.

"You can't actually _want_ to go to school, do you Star?" Cyborg questioned, fear in his eyes.

"Oh man, oh man, I'm not hearing this, I'm so not hearing this," Beastboy chanted.

"But I do," Star insisted, "Can we please traverse to the school Robin?" She questioned, looking at Robin with large, sparkling, hopeful, tear filled eyes. Robin's lower lip trembled.

"What?! You're actually giving it second thought!?" Beastboy exclaimed a bit frantic now. "We can't go to school! We're living the dream! Video games Robin!" Beastboy blurted.

Robin looked over at the big screen T.V. and Gamestation. A beam of heavenly light shone down upon it, angels were singing the praises of the sweet, sweet game. His lip quavered.

"But Robin, school would be most delightful. If we could but visit one day! Please friend Robin," Starfire grabbed his arm, looking at him with the same look a halo above her head. Another beam of more heavenly light shone down along with harpists and trumpeters.

"Video Games!" Beastboy cried holding up all of Robin's favorite games, "Freedom..." Beastboy whispered, his eyes also tear welled.

"School...please Robin..." Starfire begged, her hand tightening on Robins arm. Robin looked between the two.

"Games!"

"School!"

"Games!"

"School!"

"Games!"

"Shut up," Raven added irritated.

"Alright!" Robin finally exclaimed. Everyone waited with bated breath. "We'll go to school, for just one day." He replied seriously, eyes narrowed. Beastboy looked as though he had been condemned to execution.

"Nooooo!!!!!"

"Glorious! Thank you Robin!"

"Besides, what could happen?" Robin continued on a lighter note, smiling.

**The Next Day...**

"Oh this is most wonderful!" Starfire exclaimed happily, clasping her hands together.

The Titans stood in front of the High School, sticking out like owls during noon, receiving odd stares from all the 'normal' teens.

"Yeah...wonderful." Raven agreed emotionlessly, glaring at all the other students. Star didn't seem to notice her apparent sarcasm.

"Yes, is it not! I loved the school experience on Tamaran!" To prove her point she flew up and twirled in mid air. Attracting more unwanted attention.

Without budging an inch Raven reached up and pulled Starfire down by the ankle.

"Now whadda we do?" Cyborg questioned as they all stared at the entrance.

"We shall proceed to class!" Starfire exclaimed, her finger held up triumphantly.

"Titans, lets go!" Robin added, taking a deep breath as they crossed the threshold.

"I DON'T WANNA GO!!" And with that, Cyborg and Raven dragged a kicking Beastboy behind them as they headed for the classes.

"But which shall we choose?" Starfire questioned as the teens roamed the school, Starfire examining all the buildings and doors.

"I think we're lost..."

"Just _pick_ one."

"We're not lost, we're super hero's and as such, we, mainly me, are born with an innate sense of direction."

"You couldn't find yourself in a mirror." Raven commented dryly. Beastboy made a face and glared at Raven.

"Yeah, cause the little grass stain would break it!" Cyborg added a huge smirk on his face.

"I find none of this funny," Beastboy commented arms crossed, "And I know funny" He informed, finger pointed in his chest. Raven was about to make a snide remark when Starfire came from out of nowhere and squeezed both Beastboy and Raven around their necks like a hug.

"Friends! Let us not fight on a glorious day such as this!" She exclaimed as Beastboy and Raven turned blue, each clawing at Starfire's arms.

"Uh...maybe you should let them go Star..." Robin advised.

"Oh, yes..." Starfire released them sheepishly, earning glares from the two.

Then without warning a shrill bell rang and the massive groups of students scrambled to the various classes.

"Oh no! Someone is attacking the school!" Star gasped, her eyes glowing green, starbolts at the ready.

"That's just the bell Star," Robin informed looking at some passing, scared, teens apologetically.

"The bell of danger?"

"No, the bell to get to class," Raven said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, the bell of danger," Beastboy muttered, arms crossed.

"We're gonna be late." Cyborg said, as Star extinguished her starbolts.

"Then let us hurry and find a class! On Tamaran, the tardy must endure the Narflag of Gandar!" Starfire responded, fear in her eyes. She grabbed Robin by the arm and hurried to find a classroom. Cyborg and Raven hurried after the two while Beastboy lagged behind muttering to himself about the "stupidness of school".

"Let's just go in this one!" Cyborg finally picked a door, grabbing the handle. Realizing they were mere seconds from getting brainwashed by the evils of school, Beastboy took drastic measures.

"I don't wanna go! You can't make me! I don't wanna go!"

"BB! Will you shut up!" Cyborg yelled, smashing the knob in his hand by accident.

"Why does Beastboy hate school so?"

"Most dumb people do..."

"Hey!"

"Look what you made me do you grass stain!" Cyborg finally noticed the door.

"YES!! Uh, I mean... oh no, we cannot get into class, whatever shall we do?" Beastboy replied, innocently.

"Do not worry friends, I can open the door to learning!" Starfire beamed, conjuring a starbolt.

"Starfire! No!" Too late.

With a loud explosion and the falling of dust and debris the door flew off. Standing in the doorway the Titan's were greeted with crazy stares from the teacher as well as the students.

"Hello fellow classmates!" Starfire chirped, "What a wonderous day for learning!"

Robin shook his head. Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea after all...

"I STILL DON'T WANNA GO!!!"

"Um...hello..." Robin greeted the teacher awkwardly, trying to ignore all the stares and loud, rather rude whispers from the students.

"And you must be the Titans?" The captivating, dashing, handsome young teacher said in a captivating, dashing and handsome way.

"Yes! Yes we are!" Starfire announced, hearts in her eyes. Even Raven was blushing beneath her hood.

"Sorry to interrupt..." Robin added, side stepping in front of Starfire as to block her from the captivating, dashing and handsome, teacher's view.

"Think nothing of it," The teacher waved.

"We will not, we will think nothing of it!" Starfire swooned, craning her neck to try and see around Robin, though she found he continuously was blocking her view.

"But, we—"Robin indicated, careful not to bring any attention to Starfire, "Wanted to check out a class today."

"Yes! Check out is what we wanted!"

"Whaddya mean we..." Beastboy muttered sulkily, "We didn't even get a cute teach..." He added at the lack of a sexy, blonde haired, blue eyed, attractive teacher, which every boy seemed to have at some time or another during any given grade.

"What do you mean not cute!!" Starfire and Raven yelled at Beastboy who shrunk and quavered. Robin boiled.

"I'm Mr. Taylor by the way, it's kinda full in here so I'll take you to the back room and get you started on the lesson." He indicated the full class and then to a door that connected it to the 'back' room. Mr. Taylor then flashed a dazzling smile and Starfire melted into a puddle of goo.

Robin scooped her up, glaring fiercely at Mr. Taylor, though the dashing teacher had his back turned as he unlocked the adjoining room.

Soon enough, the back room was unlocked and the Titan's took their seats. Starfire next to Robin in the front, Raven by herself in the middle and Cyborg and Beastboy in the back.

"So I understand you five all live in the same Tower?"

"Yeah that's right." Robin answered.

"Well I suppose this lesson will do you all good then." Mr. Taylor said, the smallest of smirks on his face. Every one waited with a confused look.

"Today we're learning about intercourse." At this Beastboy and Cyborg burst into immature schoolboy giggles, Starfire stared confused, Robin's eyes widened and he put his burning face in his hands while Raven turned, giving Beastboy and Cyborg the death glare.

"Your immaturity is making this worse. Grow up." She snapped, as Beastboy and Cyborg did their best to hold in their laughter, which was not good. Raven turned back around rolling her eyes.

Starfire's hand shot in the air. Robin's eyes widened, knowing nothing good could come of this.

"Yes Miss Starfire?" Mr. Taylor addressed, hearts briefly appeared in Star's eyes.

"I am meaning to ask a question. What is this...intercourse?" Starfire questioned, innocently. Then as though a dam had broke, Beastboy and Cyborg burst into hysterical fits of laughter. Starfire rubbed the back of her head, glancing back at them nervously. Robin, Raven and Mr. Taylor glared at the boys. "I have said something wrong?"

"No, no..." Mr. Taylor waved it off, "Intercourse is where—" Beastboy and Cyborg cackled ever louder at the mere mention of the word. "A boy and a girl—"

"Like Robin and I?" Star questioned, hand on Robin. Robin burned a fierce red, BB and Cy had fallen out of their chairs, crying from laughing so hard, and even Raven cracked the smallest of smiles.

"Well—"Deciding that desperate measures needed to be taken, Robin quickly took out a light screen disk and slid it across the floor and under the door to the adjoining class.

A burst of light erupted from the next room, along with screams from random students.

"What are they up to?" Mr. Taylor questioned, "Can't leave them alone for two—One moment please," Muttering to himself he went into the classroom.

Deathly awkward silence.

"So...what is intercourse?" Starfire cut through the silence like a knife. The Titans all stared at each other. The clock ticked. Someone coughed. Silence reigned. "Robin?"

Being put on the spot, Robin tugged at his shirt collar.

"Erm...Well...It's kinda like.." He searched for what to say as Star stared at him like a little kid. He couldn't just break that kind of innocence. He gulped. "A game?" He finished lamely.

Raven hit her head. Cyborg snickered, and Beastboy sneezed something that sounded suspiciously like "lame".

"Bless you," Starfire said absently, before regaining her usual fervor when she learned something new about Earth culture. "A game! Joyous! Will you play this game with me Robin?" Robin sunk low in his chair.

_Why me...why me..._

Once again, Beastboy and Cyborg were howling with laughter, pointing at Robin.

"You two are going to laugh yourselves to death...and I think I speak for everyone when I say what a _horrible_ fate that would be..." Raven commented sardonically. Starfire turned in her chair.

"It is okay friends Cyborg and Beastboy. When I have finished playing the intercourse with Robin, I can play with each of you," This effectively shut the boys up as Beastboy was violently coughing with a disgusted, burning red face and Cyborg stared, eyes wide as saucers. Robin couldn't help himself and sent a fierce glare at the two.

"Of all the classes..."

"Sorry bout that guys," Mr. Taylor came in smiling and Starfire sat strait in her chair, though Robin was still too mortified to notice. In his hands was a fair sized cardboard box.

"It's a relatively easy lesson today..." He continued, removing five bananas and passing them out. Everyone's eyes widened as they stared, except for Starfire. Robin never looked so frightened in his life.

"Now," Mr. Taylor reached into the box again, but was interrupted by another commotion from next door. Mr. Taylor scowled. "Those immature little..." He sighed. "One moment," With that he was gone.

The Titan's stared. Beastboy was poking at his.

"Dude, no way I am—"

"Ooh! Nourishment!" Starfire exclaimed, "How thoughtful of Mr. Taylor, for I am famished!" With that, Star quickly peeled the banana and took a big bite, chewing innocently.

Robin stared and Starfire smiled, cheeks full. Looking like a chipmunk.

_Why...why God why? Why must you torment me so?_

Cyborg and Beastboy had started fighting each other, using the bananas as swords. As Raven had a staring contest with hers, Raven won.

"And back!" Mr. Taylor entered the room again as Cyborg stabbed Beastboy in the eye with his banana.

"OW!"

Raven sighed, silently chanting under her breath for control.

"Azarath Mentrion Zinthos...Azarath Mentrion Zinthos..."

"Thank you very much for the nourishment Mr. Taylor!" Starfire exclaimed, taking another bite and chewing contentedly.

"Uh... I think she needs a new fruit..." Robin pointed out.

"That's not the correct terminology Robin," Mr. Taylor said cheekily.

"Star needs a new banana?" Robin tried. Mr. Taylor shook his head. He groaned...this was not happening to him...

"Uh...she needs a new—"

"Peanuts!"

"Beef Jerky!"

"Peanuts!"

"Beef Jerky!" Robin was cut off by Beastboy and Cyborg's shouting match over the better snack food. Robin began hitting his head on the desk.

"Boys!" Mr. Taylor scolded as Beastboy hurled his banana at Cyborg. The yellow fruit splattered on Cyborg's face, a large piece of mush falling off and onto the desk as he turned to face the teacher. Mr. Taylor heaved a sigh. "Yes, well..."

He then took out more bananas passing them to Cyborg, Beastboy and a blushing Starfire.

And then he took out the objects Robin had been most fearing. Small square packages, the items were soon passed out.

"Now, with intercourse," Everyone except Star flinched at the word, "You need to know how to protect yourselves,"

Starfire gasped.

"There are enemies who attack you while playing the intercourse?"

"Yes," Said Mr. Taylor gravely. Star's eyes widened as she listened attentively, while Robin resumed banging his head and Beastboy and Cy had a "coughing" fit. "Their names are Aids, Syphilis, and Gonorrhea and are you boys okay?" Mr. Taylor asked smartly.

"Never—Better Mr. T." Beastboy cleared his throat, hitting his chest with his fist, trying desperately to keep the smile off his face.

"Good," The handsome teacher responded, "Now, it's a simple lesson, just take the condom," He held up the package, as Cy and BB giggled like schoolboys again, holding the end of the desk for support.

Raven abruptly scooted her chair back hard, smashing Beastboy's fingers. He screamed silently, tears of pain welling in his eyes. Cy silently pointed and laughed.

"And put it on the "banana"" He did air quotes. "This should prove to be a simple task for the protectors of Jump City, so I'll go check on everyone else." Mr. Taylor left. Beastboy cried, freeing his throbbing fingers.

Starfire turned to Robin.

"Should we go to fight the enemies of intercourse friend Robin?"

"Uh, no Star, that's what these are for," He said, gingerly grabbing his between his thumb and forefinger as though it were diseased.

"Oh, yes..." She looked back to her own banana and condom. Then, she placed the package on top of the banana. Only to have it fall off. "It does not stay! The banana will surely be in danger from Aids!" She exclaimed, misguided concern lighting her features.

Robin then tore open his package.

"You gotta open it,"

"Oh, yes," She laughed embarrassed before tearing open the package, letting the light blue piece of rubber fall on the desk. She then put the open package over the end of the banana like a hat.

"I am victorious!" She cried, "And look! I have earned a balloon prize for saving the intercoursing banana!" With that Star began blowing up the 'balloon'.

Robin rubbed his temples. Not having the heart to say anything.

Meanwhile, Beastboy and Cyborg found yet another way to entertain their childish immaturity.

Finding sinks in the back, the two began filling their 'balloons' with water.

"You're so dead when I get this filled Cy!" BB smirked.

"Oh, shouldn't you be warning Star? _Glorbag,_" Cy smirked back.

"Dude, low blow..."

"Got that right!" In BB's lack of concentration, Cyborg tied off his and pelted BB right in the—

"Oww..." Beastboy breathed weakly, looking down at his wet stained pants. "This means war..."

Raven sat quietly, carefully unwrapping hers. She delicately pulled out the blue piece of rubber and put it on the banana.

"Wow...that was so difficult..."

"Take that Cyborg!" Beastboy exclaimed, turning into a giant gorilla, hurling the balloon at Cy, who deftly dodged it. Beastboy changed back to himself in horror, having a strange sense of déjà vu. "Raven! Look out!"

A black aura surrounded the balloon inches before it made contact. Beastboy exhaled. And then Raven sent it flying back at him with full force. Beastboy's pupils dialated as he screamed silently, the water filled rubber hitting him square in the face, the force of the blow sending him flying into what sounded like a box of glass beakers.

"Now what's going on?" Mr. Taylor seemed to fly back into the room. Starfire was still blowing up her "balloon". Robin was rubbing his temples. Raven was sitting, an irritated expression on her face. Beastboy was soaked, smiling sheepishly as he got up off the boxes, the broken glass rattling and Cyborg stood next to the sink whistling innocently.

Mr. Taylor sighed.

"Look Mr. Taylor! I am victorious!" Starfire beamed waving her banana. "And I have received a balloon token of gratitude!" Mr. Taylor stared strangely as Robin shook his head 'no', silently telling him not to question it. Mr. Taylor complied.

"You two boys," Mr. Taylor pointed at the guilty looking Beastboy and Cyborg. "You two need—"Just then, Mr. Taylor was inturupted by the bell.

"Uh oh! Look at that, time to go!" Robin shot from his seat, grabbing Starfire by the wrist.

"Oh..." Star's face fell. "Are we going to play the intercourse Robin?" Star questioned, holding her 'balloon'. Robin looked mortified as he dragged Star out of the room, leaving a dust cloud in their wake.

Raven calmly got up, pushed her chair in and headed for the door.

"Um! Gee, look at that Cy, the bell! We'd better—"

"Oh no you don't," Mr.Taylor warned. "You two clearly need to understand the seriousness of this." Mr. Taylor said gravely. Raven smirked.

"What??" Cyborg and Beastboy's eyes widened.

"I think you two need to stay to watch what happens to those who _don't_ protect themselves,"

"No...it can't be...that's—that's cruel and unusual—"

"You two obviously need to witness the miracle of birthing." Mr. Taylor held up a video with the picture of a fetus on it.

"NOOOOOOO!!!!"

"My eyes!! They burn!!"

Raven smirked evilly as she suddenly wished she had a camera.

**The End**


End file.
